sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
