I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
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you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
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Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize