I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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