Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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