that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
