There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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