I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
