she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
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Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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