It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
