I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
