But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Your penis caused this!
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