I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize