my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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