I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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