I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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