My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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