Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
