A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
