i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
