I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
