Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
