If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
