I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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