found the other keg... it's in the tree
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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