the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
