Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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