I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
