watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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