i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
