You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
