i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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