I'm going to jail i love you
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
