I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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