a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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