haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
