Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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