Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
