I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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