if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
