Just cropdusted the office
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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