U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
