He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
