you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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