...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
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I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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