uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
