Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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