When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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