please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
