I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
