get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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