I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
