Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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