dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
