well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
