i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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