Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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